sometimes it's in the stars... sometimes it's fate... I just know it's one thing to find love... but to keep it- is something that you have to fight for...






I would not only being lying period- but lying to myself if I didn't admit how lost I am right now. Sick of hearing the words "talented"- depression looms above my head as I am on my knees asking God what do I do now? what the fuck am I doing wrong... and what do I do with this bullshit "talent"...

I don't know...

I need to go home.. I never had the home where family dinners, holidays, or even the fucking words of "how was your day" were ever muttered anywhere near the nuisance that the paid help was to shuttle around. It was made abundantly clear... I was not only bred.. or a business deal... transaction so to speak- but accepting that the only family member I have- blood related... doesn't take anything about me, my art, my work, my heart, any mother fucking thing about me not only seriously--- but just gives a bullshit pat on the head of that's nice... for fucks sake the soulless piece of flesh gave me a dog training book for my birthday. Moving... to London would life a "great weight off of a lot of people's shoulders.." but Paris- I just need to pack up this bullshit life here... of crying, trying, with cut vocal cords- to have my dream come true.

my only talent may be my passion and compassion. no- I turn my nose up at the trash magazines of the fucking US Weeklys... the "Star" magaznes- and NO I AM NOT NOR GIVING A FUCK ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT MTV AWARDS...

I don't care- that's not art....

it's not...

maybe I'm trying to prepare to say goodbye.. because the looming cloud is eating the insides of what flesh is left.