it's my mom's birthday in two days... (or would be rather, I guess...) I miss her more than anything you can imagine missing. her voice. her smile. her smell. everything... and coinciding with the fucking holidays when I've been raised by my bachelor dad who not only has no clue about women... but a crazy little fashion monster like me? forget it... I miss you more than words could ever begin to articulate Toni... but am starting to accept that it's ok because you're no longer in pain... the chemo treatments- as we would sit in cedars together watching sex and the city and I regaled you about my latest fashion conquests as I was killing myself juggling Otis, my career, my big love, and the most important pinnacle in my life... my mom... just had to get it out I guess... I miss you Toni, I fucking miss the thought of you and it's so painful to swallow the idea- let alone admit it... but fuck, I really just need you and just close my eyes and wish you were here- even just for a moment to hold me... april 30, 2007... is the day I died...
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